Climbing the Tallest Mountain

I hope no one takes anything I write in this personally. This is something I need to do to move forward because these are very personal feelings for me. My hope is by expressing them; it will help me to become stronger for my family. LaRae’s medical problems are beginning to becoming too overwhelming, and I need to let them out. I think that I have finally come to my breaking point with all LaRae’s medical problems. Everyone keeps telling me to be positive, to pray, get her a blessing, to stop worry about it and it will all work, that she in good hands, doctors make it sound worse then what it is and the list goes on.

Now I find myself facing my own medical problems that have me so overwhelmed. I don’t know how I can possible handle both. It was bad enough trying to be strong enough for her do I have enough strength for the both of us. Does Heavenly Father really think I am this strong? I seem to find myself in tears all the time I just don’t know if I can. I find myself asking, why does my life have to be so hard. Why do I always seem to have to find some kind of amazing strength to pull myself threw these trials?

I know everyone is trying to help me. I really do appreciate all the word of encouragement and the prayers. I cannot help the way I feel inside. I am not feeling sorry for myself nothing, like that. I do not want to feel like this. I want to be strong for her, for my other kid and my husband; however, right now I feel like someone has thrown me under a train. I just want to climb the tallest mountain and scream from it as loud I could.

I have never climbed a mountain, but I can imagine that, with each step, my chest is burning. My legs feel like they cannot take another step. I cannot breathe because the air is too thin this high up. I feel exhausted from the climb, and when I think that I cannot take another step, I realize that I have made it to the top. As I look out over an incredible view, seeing for miles I marvel at what the Lord has made. It is simply breathtaking. And then, I am startled by a touch, as I open my eyes to find a 30-inch long, 19-pound little girl, with big blue eyes looking up at me, smiling and saying, "Mom?" That is when I realize that I never left the living room sofa.

I now realize that my strength comes from my sweet little blue eye girl named LaRae Sianna Lawley.


Thank you for reading my blog and allowing me to have moments of weakness.